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Protect your family.

Always make time to take a dip.

Growl if you don't like how you are being treated.

Eat ice cream.

You are not defined by your troubled youth.

Give high fives. They never go out of style.

Take what you want off the counter of life. Because nobody is going to give it to ya.

Screw phase two of "fetch". You are nobody's servant.

Find a good bitch to love.

When you are scared of something run right at it.

Fight 'til the end.

I was at a cook out this Saturday. There a woman said a very interesting thing. "I made fried chicken this morning." But that wasn't it. ANOTHER lady said "if something is broken I get rid of it. it goes right in the garbage. Because nothing new can come into your life with a bunch of broken stuff in it."

This is a very helpful bit of theory to someone studying the universe. It makes sense. If you are bogged down hoarding a bunch of useless stuff where is there room to bring in what you need. Plus if the world is abundant then why keep anything broken. You can just summon a new one. Right?

Well even it is is not its a great way to clean out the garage. I'm going to apply it to people too. All those friendships on life support because of Facebook, duty or hell because they just live close by are not serving their purpose anymore. Friends that have a negative influence on my life or that I have a legitimate beef with should probably be put in the "broken" category too. No? 

I just let let a friend go today. Our friendship was broken. I let a lot of stuff go. But today I decided to test the theory. Hopefully someone supportive, healthy and respectful will take his place. Because sometimes you need to love people from a distance.

Probably not the best lead into a comedy blog. But I'm going to be putting my dog to slep soon. He is a lab mix and pushing seventeen. That's a lot for a bigger dog. The question now is when is it time?

I used to pray for my animals to go by themselves. You know. Peacefully passing through the night. I wake to find them curled up in a ball with their favorite toy and a light smile on their face. Then my cat Buzz died in my arms a few years ago. Beleive me. A home death is anything but cinematic. So there are no good answers.

You can wait until they can hardly move and they stop eating. Or you can take them in and put them to sleep while their tail is still wagging. I've done both. Both suck. Both are the price you pay for having animals. Another genius design from the man upstairs. Making man's best friend's life expectacy a tenth of us humans. It's right up there with periods and wisdom teeth. Which is why you'll never see me pleading a case for god being a woman.

I survived my first fantasy football draft. To prepare I attempted to sift through the countless YouTube University videos from armchair quarterbacks across the globe. Nerds moving around blue chip players like chess pieces. Women owners. The smell of pulled pork wafting from the kitchen. It's all so confusing. And yet so intoxicating. More to follow. 

So I'm on a social justice message board. Yesterday some of the members were planning to attend a peace march in Atlantic City. However, the step off point of the march changed from the community center to a local address. One of the white, gentrified, members wrote "Are sure of this change? From Google maps, this does not look like any place special. Looks like one of the houses in a project." I'll give you a minute...(cue Jeopardy music)...

Um, where should the march be? Longport? Linwood? I love it. I want to do a peace march. But not where any black people might actually be. And I get criticized at for things I say on stage. Wow.

So what did we learn? One: it is important to look at people's intentions as opposed to what they say. Two: I cannot wait to get old so I can say whatever the fuck I want.