Phone: 609-287-6559

Email: michelletomko@hotmail.com

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7/29 - Broadway Comedy Club NY, NY 10p.m.

 

Deflate Outta Compton

I'm miffed about Tom Brady's case going to federal court. My first reaction is you got caught. Take your medicine. In all of the great legal battles we see all over cable news, nobody just says "you got me and I'm sorry." The new law of the land is It's legal if I get away with it.

 

But secondly I got to wondering how this case got heard so fast in federal court when other federal offices are back logged. My Google search landed me on a Washington Post article from 2014. At the time of the article, Social Security was 990,399 cases behind, Veterans Affairs had 526,000 people waiting in line, and the patent office, where 606,000 applications of potentially helpful inventions were pending. But wait. Stop everything. A rich, white, boy cheated at football. People on death row wait years for an appeal. But Deflate Gate must be heard before the season starts!

 

While this is going on there is a new movie opening about the rise of Compton rappers Eazy-E (Eric Wright), M.C. Ren (Lorenzo Patterson), Ice Cube (Osea Jackson), Dr. Dre (Andre Young), and Yella (Antoine Carraby). Collectively the group is called NWA. Which stands for Niggaz Wit Attitudes. I know I can't say that. But can I write it? Oh I'm not Donald Sterling. So I guess I can.

 

CNN reports that security at the screenings will have extra police presence. Extra police? I didn't know there was any police presence needed at a movie theater. But apparently the worry is if rival gangs go to the movies at the same time. What? Instead of celebrating the success, the American Dream realization, the coming from nothing to stardom of these celebrities there may be shootings? 

 

Where are our priorities people? What is happening? Good luck veterans and seniors. If the Kardashians ever come out with a movie you are screwed!

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Draft Dodger

I have put this off until now. But tonight with the help of my best friend and football nut ex I have registered for fantasy football this season. She was very frustrated trying to teach me how to arrange my queue of players. Because all I wanted to do was come up with a team name that would make the other managers snicker ala Beavis and Butthead. Priorities man. My co-owner and I settled on The Long Snappers because both Huge Ditka and Ben Rapelisberger were taken.

 

As she explained to me that I would need to log in and do my line up every week I thought to my self "why is this fun?" "It just is", she said. Ok. We will see. At least my league has stickers. We are doing a live draft and I think that makes us need stickers. So that will be cool. But any game that simulates someone's J O B to me seems stupid. Like virtual accounting. Who wants to do that? I hope all this work does not affect the quality of my wings and cause a Marinate Gate.

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No Trump

A guy in my building has a license plate that says "NO TRUMP". I don't know why. It's on a Corvette. Frankly, after watching Boardwalk Empire, I'm afraid to ask. But let us all preemptively select this No Trump attitude shall we? Let's send him the way of Paris Hilton and the Kardashians. An unstable megalomaniac like that is fueled by any other course of action. Don't engage.

 

I have that same archetype living across the hall from me. But after he acted like an drunken ass in our home, I wrote him off. "NO DRUNK OLD MAN" became my mantra. Do you know what? I have yet to see him in the hall since that night. I find it amazing. He is right across the hall and is in and out of his place several times daily. But I heard it before someplace in all my new-age healing stuff. Once you really cut someone out of your life they truly vanish. If you keep running into that same slime time and again you yourself have unfinished business with them. So decide to cut bait and off they will go to bother somebody else. I'm not wishing to send Comb Dome off to run for president of another country. I'm not that cruel. But how about another planet? Take your empty promises and insults right to Uranus. I like that.

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Moon Time and Other Aliases

It finally happened at my women's group last night. No. We didn't look at our lady parts with hand mirrors. Although I do still fear that day. But last night what we did do it talk about our periods or whatever you call it. We have come up with some doozies over the years. From Aunt Flo, lady friend, dot, "in a womanly way", to the more vulgar "riding the cotton pony", and the like have been used to cloak what is apparently a very powerful time.

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Ferguson Bombs

Epic fail Ferguson. Marking a somber anniversary with more guns. Although the argument for raw emotions could be had comparing the 70th anniversary of Hiroshima with the first anniversary of Michael Brown's death. Still as Brown's father told Anderson Cooper "you shame his name."

 

Imagine if Asians elected to set off bombs in protest on August 6th every year as it seems the criminals intend on doing in Ferguson. Talk about blowing up your nose to spite your face. No. There were candles, speeches, moments of silence. Take a lesson Ferguson.

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Blog Author

Michelle Tomko's comedy is a fervent blend of tomboy sensibilities courtesy of the older brothers she grew up with in the Midwest and the barrage of perimenopausal chaos the East Coast world has heaped upon her. She pulls her humor from everyday observations and classic stories of family, travel, pets, and adversity. With razor-sharp crowd work and improvisational skills to the rock-solid timing of a veteran performer, Michelle’s act is not to be missed!

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