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Optimus Prime

It appears now that rampant consumerism takes a vacation no more in July folks. Enter Prime Day. A day when beach goers are summoned back to their computers to get out of the sun and get $30 off a Kindle. 

Even the greatest of my skilled hippie warrior friends can't spin this one. go ahead and try. "They just want kids to get a jump on their summer reading." "They are trying to prevent skin cancer." "Venus is aligned with...fuck it. They just want our money."

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How Did I End Up Here Again?

Somehow, through the "kindness" of my friends I have found myself back in Cleveland. They were driving here from Cherry Hill to visit family and agreed to give me a ride. When I strike it rich the first thing I am buying them is a two-seater!

So what made me give up a week in July on the Atlantic Ocean to stay in a ranch far inland from Lake Erie with no internet or air conditioning? Guilt probably.

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Tommy Lee and the Crone

Last night I attended a pagan crone ceremony. That is when a woman is ushered into the third phase of the moon of her life. She started as a maiden. Then through this ceremony she transfers from the mother to the crone. Of course these phases all have to do with your period. You don't have it (maiden). You use it (mother). And finally you lose it again (crone). The Horned God apparently gets to just be that. It's that same double standard as a guy whether he is six or sixty is a Mister. But a woman goes from Miss to Misses to Ma'am. It also leaves the door wide open for the Horned God to be with a maiden.

It was actually a pretty beautiful ritual. The woman who asked for the service was quite happy. It was fun to watch her enjoy herself. Ironically as I am writing this I am watching a replay of Pamela Anderson getting roasted on Comedy Central. I'm hearing another double standard. 

Pam has to sit for an hour while comics are merciless about her weight, age, and sex life. As tradition the roastee takes a jab at each of the roasters. And when it is her turn she jokes about what a big dick Tommy Lee has. Yep. Woman = fat, old, slut. Man = big, virile, lollipop-like schlong.  Perfect.

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It's Saturday Night! Or Is It?

Has this happened to you? You're channel surfing and see something so surreal you have to check the time to see if you are watching a television show or a Saturday Night Live skit? It used to only happen to me when I clicked past a Lifetime movie. But television has gotten so bad, become such a parody of itself, that it is happening more and more often.

Today was a weird one. Fox News was the next wave in the order. (Okay as a disclaimer what I was doing was seeing which channels I actually had after winning the historic Battle of Comcast in my apartment and getting the 105mpps with 40 channels package. Clearly I actually have only 39 channels as it turns out because I don't plan on landing on Fox News again.) Anyway, before my eyes was a foursome of mediocre singers in puritanical costumes singing what I would describe as a lame Les Misérables total rip off.

I panicked. Was there a war after I went to bed following a Criminal Minds episode that resulted in the religious right running everything now? What am I going to do? I must have been hung in a previous life. Because I can't wear tight collars around my neck! And those skirts looked so hot. I'm perimenopausaldammit! I mean midday flippin' pilgrim costumes people!

As it turns out it was just Jon Peter Lewis' cast of  Deep Love: A Ghostly Rock Opera making the rounds as they prepare to open off Broadway. Whew! I mean I want that two minutes of my life back. But it could always be worse. Elisabeth Hasselbeck could have been talking.

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The Comedy Stop...ped

Soooooooo that happened. I am a month into living on the same street as a local comedy club and it closed. Was it something I said? Is the universe trying to tell me something? Wherever I go comedy dies? Gone are the fantasies of getting called at the last minute to save the day if a comic broke down, got a three-picture deal or fell off the wagon. Gone. It's all gone. 

Is live performance becoming a thing of the past? I think we just have too many choices at home. It's really hard to go out in the rain to pay nine bucks for a Bud Light and see Lewis Black when he is all over YouTube for free? No traffic, you can pause and you can rewind. I'm worried.

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Blog Author

Michelle Tomko's comedy is a fervent blend of tomboy sensibilities courtesy of the older brothers she grew up with in the Midwest and the barrage of perimenopausal chaos the East Coast world has heaped upon her. She pulls her humor from everyday observations and classic stories of family, travel, pets, and adversity. With razor-sharp crowd work and improvisational skills to the rock-solid timing of a veteran performer, Michelle’s act is not to be missed!

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