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The next time you run out to get something to eat remember that there are still places named after a guy that is still working at the place. Tonight Bill brought me my gyro at Bill's Gyro & Souvlaki on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. When's the last time "the king" brought you a burger?

"Step aside or go for a ride." That's what you hear now as you walk up and down the historic boardwalk of Atlantic City. Classic New Jersey folks. Move or give me some money.

These slithering, white and green anacondas motor up the center of the boards whisking away those tourists with canes, crutches or too many funnel cakes under their belts. For two bucks you can travel up and down to your hearts content under a clear, vinyl rain guard if necessary.

It seems so commercial and without style. The whole history of a town based on younger, skinnier, foreigners pushing us around in classic rolling chairs. Um...yeah.

The time has come my friends. I have mastered drag and drop website creation. Well not really mastered. But I do know how to do my own blog posts and post videos and stuff. That's a lot for someone who usedFunk & Wagnalls to do homework. If you don't know who they are you of course can Google them. But suffice to say that they were able to harness the power of Wikipedia without using electricity. 

Anyhow I met with a real web designer tonight. I'm taking this thing to the next level. But that means I have to break up with Weebly. Can I do it? Weebly has been so nice to me. So kind. So gentle. No code writing. No color scales. Just drag and drop. 

But I want more dammit. I want to not log in and see a florist has my same design. I wanna live baby! I wanna have my own logo and load HD video and I don't want it to cost extra. I wanna something that is mine. This drag and drop is like you giving me some other girl's ring. I just can't have that.

I know you know something is up Weebly. You have been distant lately. You have gone to military time on my blog time stamp. Plus, all the ads on YouTube tonight are yours. Let's not do this Weebly. Let's be mature. Have some dignity. Just...let...me...go. Don't speak.

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Like most comics I'm hustling for gigs. I'm trying to think outside of the box. We comedians have strange hours. Then henchmen popped into my head. How the hell do you get to be one of those? I mean does Sauron have an employment office at the base of the Barad-dûr? Is there workman's comp? I would think that you would have to insist on workman's comp. Do you see that tower on Mount Doom? It's like a straight drop. And there are no railings. OSHA would have a field day. Do you think between battles at the water cooler they are going "you know there really should be a railing there. You get sucked into the glare of the Eye and your could go right over." Clearly there is no dental. Look at the Orcs.

Often the henchmen are faceless. But who are they? Where do they come from? I mean when you pick up an application from a guy in a purple suit, a perpetual smile and running clown white, are you thinking this guy has a corporate ladder you can climb? Do you picture this guy in a golf foursome? Meeting the wife and kids? 

Do you think that henchmen network with other henchmen to find the best jobs? Is there like a job board or something? Crookslist.com? "Yeah well the Joker pays really well. You get most Saturdays and Sundays off. But watch it. Because sometimes he will shoot you right in the back after a job." "Yeah. It's always something. At least you don't have to wear tights."

Oh. My. God. I just got done fighting with the cable company and now my phone contract is up. It never ends! And what in the hell is up with the new math at the phone store? Are they getting protocols from Common Core Testing or something? I long for the days when your bill was under, way under, a hundred bucks. You walked in and got your free clamshell and tried not to drop for two years when you could get another free one. Sometimes you even got a free case. 

Now, even if you get a free phone you have to pay a hundred bucks for the case. Plus you pay for your phone monthly. If you want to buy it for the cost of an actual computer, then your line access fee goes up. WTF? There has got to be a better way. Does anyone have a rope and two cans?