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On a beautiful sunny day on the South Jersey Shore I decided to take in an Earthday celebration with my girlfriend at our local utilities authority. Because who am I to pass up on some free saplings? My girlfriend had never taken the free, green shuttle to the nearby waste water treatment plant and wind farm for a tour. Can I plan a date or what? Here is where the trouble happened. 

Our full shuttle left and we had our "crap and breeze" tour. When we go to get on Jitney #31(literally the horse we road in on) all of a sudden we were short 2 seats. The culprits? A salt and pepper, short-haired Brit and her shabby husband. When John, the super nice guide, asked "Did we add people?" they just avoided eye contact and said nothing. Can you believe it? They were content to just let us stand.

First of all this is a hippie-dippie, family-friendly event where one opporates under the assumption that there will be no seat stealing. Secondly how the hell did these two nitwits find themselves stranded at the stinky waste water plant? That is one tour where you stay close. Believe me. Thirdly, just WTF? Set a better example Earth-friendly peeps. 

The worst part about it is that I said nothing. Ug. I am making it a point in my life that it is more important that I sleep at night than not speak up for myself and those I care about. So thank you universe for putting these horrid guests of ACUA in my path as gurus. I appreciate that I am not perfect in walking the walk. I will fail. All I can do is try harder next time. As an act of penance I gave my friend who came late my free swag thermal bag because they were out of them when she arrived. Namaste. 

So it snowed in Cleveland Thursday. It's almost May and it snowed. So that should shut up all you uneducated, Obama hippies that there is no global warming in 'Merica! What they should do is call is "GLOBAL COLDING!" 'Merica. Know what I'm saying? Stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it Earthday.

As you read this I will be traveling the heartland on my way back to New Jersey after my extended stay in my home town. I went to two funerals. I saw aunts and uncles in their final chapters. I sang karaoke with a four-year old clearly in her opening act. Who's sister had to whisper the words in her ear because she cant read yet. And I ate a bunch of greasy, Midwest food. The only thing gluten free was the silverware. To everything turn, turn, turn.

My drive will be rambling from route this to route that. I love taking the back roads. I love the scenery. I love rolling the dice with a Garmen that hasn't been updated since 2003. I love beating the $30 each way toll on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. 

Seriously. How can that be a toll. I don't know how the booth employees keep a straight face. Maybe that is why E-ZPass was invented. The employees kept laughing at the cars going by. At this point they are just trying to see what they can get away with. Like the wedding cake people do.

Speaking of Garmen. Are they in cahoots with toll roads or what? I can be a quarter mile from my destination and that damn box whats me to bang a U-ey and take a toll road. Everybody's got an angle. Salt air here I come. 

Today I cleaned my room. However it was not a room I have lived in past 1990. Today I cleaned my room in my mother's house in a suburb of Cleveland. It is like a little time capsule. My mother could not bring herself to call wind up toys that don't work, medals, trophies and high school play posters with my name on it trash. How could they be? These items helped form my childhood!

I have to admit. It is tempting. All that 80's neon; Rude Dog poster, Atari cartridges, my clarinet. I too have those DIY fantasies of repurposing it into a lovely collage, shadow box or gag gift. The white copy paper box gleans as I imagine the serpent did in the Garden of Eden. "Sssssss. Keep it. You need it. It's important. You'll use it someday. Sssssss."

The battle rages on. But I have been reflective today on how much plastic does one really need to get through life. Why did some relative feel the need to get me some Precious Moments type of figurine to mark practically every dump I ever took? Why did acid wash ever go out of style?

On this Earthday I hear you Mother Earth. I'm going to be more mindful. Recycle. Reuse. So to the friends on my Christmas list. I hope you need a scrunchy or a copy of Dig Dug for the Atari. Because that is what you are getting.

Well as it turns out my mother will do anything to keep me in town. I came back to the house yesterday to find her hysterical, the kitchen sink gurgling, and the bathtub full of the water that drained from the washing machine. That by the way is ingenious. Instead of the floor being soaked the water ends up in the tub! At least something works in the that house.

But anyway, my mom has been in the same house for 53 years. So that means she still has clay pipes for her underground water. If you didn't know tree roots seek out the seams in those clay pipes to drink the fine nectar of Betty Lou's waste water. Eventually those roots ball up and crack the pipe all together. That's what happened yesterday. I was so close to skipping town too. I saw as many pals as I could, I helped my mom with her garage sale, and took her to karaoke as much as I could stand.  But as Al Pacino tells us that's when "they pull me back in."

So here I sit at hotel Tomko with no water. It's amazing how much you use it too. I really took it for granted. Lots of things really. I've been thinking of the woman who have to walk miles for water third-world countries. I've been thinking of the power of nature and how a tiny pliable root can shatter stone. I've been thinking about renting and never again dealing with all this home owner crap...literally!

But right now I am thinking how the Bedford Falls Cafe is closing at 9:30 and I have to use the potty before I go home.

Good night folks.