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For the second year in a row I will be walking in the Atlantic City AIDS Walk. Last year I was the single, biggest money contributor. This year I joined a team. I've been slacking a bit because I'm in Ohio and also because our team leader has raised enough for us all to get T-shirts anyway. 

But I did get cajoled into performing at the boardwalk bash following the walk at the Hard Rock Cafe in the Taj Mahal. This will be my third gig at the Taj. Move over Donald. Or comb over. Or whatever it is you do. 

So the problem that I am having this year with it is my sweet, generous, non-judgmental, fairies and gumdrops, retired grade school teacher friend who everyone LOVES is kicking the crap out of me donation wise. So I implore all you cynics out there to unite! Give until it hurts. Sell your Doc Martins and berets if you have to. Just write that check! Help!

Thank you. 

http://njaidswalkatlanticcity.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1130961&lis=0&kntae1130961=FA83FF4312BB4F06A83C0ECD3FC1AB0D

Well so much for the theory that our dead relatives are watching over us. I just took the worst bad beat in the history of my poker career while in town for my father's wake. Where were ya Big D? It's just as well though. I never took any comfort in that anyway. I mean it sounds great for people in a car wreck to believe grandma was there pulling them from the wreckage before the paramedics arrived. But how does granny fill her eternity when you are taking a dump or getting laid? Think about it.

Or how about the flip side of things? You lead an honorable life for 80 years and then you are expected to spend forever floating around making sure your loved ones don't bump into things like an overbearing mother herding her offspring to safety? No thanks. There's got to be something better out there. But would it kill you to let me hit a flop every once and a while dead relatives? Thanks.

I have no sense of direction. Both figuratively and literally. Nevertheless I am breaking up with Siri. This cyber villain of confusion and dollar-store-attention-to-detail should have been my lifeline, my white knight in my white iPhone, and my rock. But instead, Siri disappointed me like a birthday scratch off lottery ticket held in a sullen hand coated with silver wax. The sense of loss palpable against the din of burning candles in pink and blue. Too much?

I don't care. I have had it Siri. I have suffered being told I do not have numbers in my contacts that I do. I have heard "sorry but it can't handle any requests" at the most inopportune moment. Even when I asked for Main Street while lost driving in New Jersey I got directions to the Main Street in Wisconsin. Good guess Carnac. How dare you try to read my mind Siri! Everyone knows all good relationships are based on good listening.

But today was the absolute last straw. When I heard "Getting directions to 2728 Lancanshire Blvd. from 2728 Lancanshire Blvd." that was it. Even I could get to somewhere I already am without walking directions of a tenth mile from a robo-English, Fifty Shades wanna be butler, dimwitted beacon like you. You should know that I have been cheating on you with MapQuest anyway. Because when I say avoid tolls. Guess what? It happens.

Look Siri. I know I can't delete you from my phone. I know you will always be a part of my life whether I like it or not. At least until my contract is up or I switch to Android. But know you are permanently deleted from my heart. No it doesn't help to change your voice to male. No it doesn't help to install the latest updates. Nothing works. It's over. "I'm sorry about this. But I really can't take any requests right now."

1. People will pick up obvious everyday items and ask you what it is. 

2. Neighbors will stop by to chat and ask if they can help. But they really just want to know if you are moving. 

3. You could schedule a start time of 3:00 AM and people will still come early. 

4. You would be surprised at how many of your "good friends" love your stuff but don't carry any cash. 

5. Men will buy a rock with a string around it if they think it is a tool. 

6. Have change. People will break a $20 to buy a used candle. 

7. Be prepared to find out your taste, when spread out on a lawn, is worth $189.00

8. Have bags. Even though customers are standing at a folding table spending a nickel they expect Tiffany's customer service. 

9. No, we don't have any more in "the back". 

10. "Would you be willing to take 9?"

Out again with alum of St. Peter Chanel. I still can't get over how nice everyone is here. If one more stranger asks me how I am doing I am really going to be convinced that I have a brain tumor and am the only person who doesn't know. 

A guy was at least 30 seconds ahead of me getting to the door of Compadres Grill in Northfield Villiage. He held that door open the whole time until I got there. Can you imagine Jersey Shore? He didn't ask for a quarter either.