Blog

"Great. Get balloons and I'll make animals for the kids". It seemed innocent enough. What was I thinking? I met up with my buddies from high school and was subsequently invited to first communion the next day. Note to self: What sounds good at midnight after a couple of beers will NOT sound as good the following day.

There was a lot of screaming, a ton of "it's my turn", and somebody got poked in the eye. But after it all I got a lot of thank yous and hugs. So I guess it was worth it. 

Oops. Gotta go. There is still a half a bag of balloon animals to make. The bad kids are just getting snakes.

Still in Cleveland. But there is much excitement here about the Tribe's home opener against Detroit. Even though the weather sucks and they scheduled a Cavs game to start right when the ballgame is letting out. So in case you are reading this and have moved away from here. Rest assured the weather nor the city planning have changed much.

Every baseball season I think about the people who are up in arms about Chief Wahoo. Yes it is a pretty offensive Native American caricature. He has changed over the years to be less offensive. Back in the day he had yellow skin and a big nose. But he is part of my childhood. Should we change it as fast as we changed Jacobs Field to Progressive Field? That to me is offensive. I think if you had enough money you could name a field anything. "Welcome to Ben Wa Balls Stadium! Bottoms Up!"

I'm on the fence about what to do about stuff like this. A theatre professor of mine from Kent State University always wore a retro Wahoo jacket. He lived in it. He, I would vouch my life on, is not a racist. To him it is s symbol of his favorite ball team and home town. He is not looking to exploit a native people. Or how about the guy in Washington who has collected Redskins jerseys every year since 1932? Should he burn them? I say not as long as there are still Hooter shirts around. Google the Mad Men era sexists ads than ran. You will be amazed. 

My opinion is to live and move on. We have evolved and we can let these symbols bug us and waste our time. Or we can learn from them. So leave Wahoo alone. Just resist the urge to make another one. 

Today I'm excited to be writing blog number 99. Then you know what song popped into my head as I got to thinking there are a bunch of 99's in our culture: 

99 Luftballons by good old Nena, the catlike Agent 99, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, and our beloved 99¢ Stores just to name a few. Okay, I know they have mostly increased to dollar stores - but those were the days. Honorable mentions also go to: the biggest linebacker on most football squads and the “add a side salad for...”

Of course every item you pick up in a store costs "x.99".  I find that insulting to my intelligence. Who do you think you are fooling? It's sad too. I mean nowadays people won't even stop to pick up a penny on the ground. I do damnit! I'm not telling the universe I have enough money. No sir. Gimme all the germ-laden pennies you got!  Maybe that's why I'm sick all the time?  But I just watched Lincoln, so show some respect. Pick those copper Abe Lincoln medallions up! 

I remember years ago when I lived on Long Island and NYC was making an Olympic bid. I thought to myself great. Just what this town needs - more traffic and foreigners. 

Now I'm in AC and wondering why in the hell there is a giant Bass Pro Shop being built when there still is not a decent grocery store in the city limits. Soon it will be officially easier for fish to get worms than people to get food. 

It will also be easier to get crossbows. Which is great for people who will be living in tents because they lost their homes and will need to defend them with said crossbows. At least they won't have to go far to buy a tent. Perfect. 

Just build the damn water park already. 

Yesterday at my journaling class one of the writing choices was to pen a letter your younger self. Here is what I had to say to my 13-year-old Michelle:

Dear Little Big Daddy,

I know you are only 13 right now but listen up. It's for your own good. Clean your room. Nobody in your family is really organized. Teach yourself. Take pride in yourself and your things. That's how to attract more to you.

Stop procrastinating and do your homework. I know you are bored and have trouble paying attention. Tell a grownup you have ADD. Trust me. It's a thing now. And do your homework - personally. Stop letting your brothers do it for you. I know it sounds insane. But there will come a time when you will wish that you had paid attention in school - especially in English. Oh and learn to read a map. Believe me. You look stupid when you have no idea where shit is.

Pick one thing you want to do and be the best at it. I don't care what it is. Just pick one. The "Jack of all trades" stuff only works in the movies. Be the champ of something. Be forewarned though. If you pick basketball we don't have the height or the ligaments for it. You will blow you knee out exactly four years from now. It will be a big waste of time. So unless you want to get really good at tennis or golf! know that we were not born in era where there are careers for women in sports.

Don't waste any time whatsoever ever. I know it seems important to get to the next screen on Pac Man. But it is not. Save your retinas for the video games of today. Wait until you see them! And write thank you notes. It pisses me of when little shits don't write me a thank you note for all the crap I send them. Seriously just be as normal as you can despite your family. Put your toys away. And wash a dish every now and then. You know what I mean?

Now let's get to the big stuff. There is going to be a lot of shit that goes down in the Catholic Church throughout your lifetime. So watch out how much energy you put into all that's. Oh an as far as the Catholic guilt goes, you will learn a whole new way of thinking when you are my age. You are not going to get out of Catholic school. But keep in the back of your head that there is a better way. 

Don't do things unless you really want to do them. That is how to stay in the flow of the universe. On those bad days when people get flat tires or catch the flu bug, most likely it is because they were out doing something they didn't want to do. So don't get manipulated. What's manipulation? You know how mom says that your cousin Gaye makes the best potato salad in the whole world? That's because she wants Gaye to make the potato salad for your picnic. Don't fall for that - from anybody.

As far as the nuns go they are mostly unhappy and full of shit. Work around them. But they are right about one thing: DO NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL YOU ARE A GROWN UP! I'll explain later.

Love,

The Big One