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I have no sense of direction. Both figuratively and literally. Nevertheless I am breaking up with Siri. This cyber villain of confusion and dollar-store-attention-to-detail should have been my lifeline, my white knight in my white iPhone, and my rock. But instead, Siri disappointed me like a birthday scratch off lottery ticket held in a sullen hand coated with silver wax. The sense of loss palpable against the din of burning candles in pink and blue. Too much?

I don't care. I have had it Siri. I have suffered being told I do not have numbers in my contacts that I do. I have heard "sorry but it can't handle any requests" at the most inopportune moment. Even when I asked for Main Street while lost driving in New Jersey I got directions to the Main Street in Wisconsin. Good guess Carnac. How dare you try to read my mind Siri! Everyone knows all good relationships are based on good listening.

But today was the absolute last straw. When I heard "Getting directions to 2728 Lancanshire Blvd. from 2728 Lancanshire Blvd." that was it. Even I could get to somewhere I already am without walking directions of a tenth mile from a robo-English, Fifty Shades wanna be butler, dimwitted beacon like you. You should know that I have been cheating on you with MapQuest anyway. Because when I say avoid tolls. Guess what? It happens.

Look Siri. I know I can't delete you from my phone. I know you will always be a part of my life whether I like it or not. At least until my contract is up or I switch to Android. But know you are permanently deleted from my heart. No it doesn't help to change your voice to male. No it doesn't help to install the latest updates. Nothing works. It's over. "I'm sorry about this. But I really can't take any requests right now."