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7/29 - Broadway Comedy Club NY, NY 10p.m.


I've Been Trying to Figure Out a Title for This Blog All Day!

Before we go any further with this relationship I think I should let you in on something. I suffer from wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…Procrastination. How confident am I in this self- diagnosis?  One of my college professors told me that I should write. I just celebrated my 43rd birthday and this is my 11th blog EVER!

So what did I do all day that was so important before I wrote this? Well first of all its the playoffs. So come on. Then I played with the dogs, watched the episode of American Horror that I missed, volunteered to cook dinner for four, picked up my room, watched the latest episode of Law & Order: SVU, crushed some candy, made sure that my plants were keeping me safe from zombies, and watched Modern Family which was ironically about blogging. Now in my defense Modern Family is a comedy. So that counts as research.

Why do I procrastinate so much? ADD? Probably. Laziness? Not really. I've given this a lot of thought. Mostly when I have something else that I should be doing. For me that getting started step is so hard because whatever I am about to embark on is always perfect in my head. The pizza crust is golden brown. The joke is worded unforgettably. The bed is made with a perfect crease. The awkward conversation is spoken with aplomb. The gift fits perfectly. The Manhattan has just the right amount of vermouth in it. (This last one has caused me to miss a few deadlines too.) That single, terrifying first step where everything is brought into our imperfect third dimension just messes with my head.

I know. I know. To make omelets you have to crack the eggs. Now that I think of it the only thing scarier than step one is starring at an empty page. So maybe in the future I can remind myself of that and get cracking. I will if you will. Go get 'em world.

Good night and good luck.

Michelle Tomko 

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My 27th Annual Sweet 16

Whoa I did it. I reached double digits on this daily blog. To make it even more exciting day #10 fell on my birthday. 

So what did I do? Well pretty much what you would expect. I was in Ocean City at Our Lady of Good Council helping my friend run the "Bows for Any Occasion Booth" at the kids fair. Please I want to be at the Wii challenge center next year or even the putt putt station. But bows seriously? The best part of this event was that it got me out of a Zumba class my other friend has just been certified to teach. Because there is no way that I am going to exercise on my birthday. How could she even ask. I may unfriend her.

Then it was off to the Marc Berman Show on WOND 1400 AM to promote my gig at Stockton College on Thursday. Thanks Ed Hitzel for the leftover pizza and Marc Berman for letting me hang out the whole show. Thanks every one for controlling the paparazzi. You did such a great job I didn't even see anybody.

Finally, off to a young group of friends of mine for chili and Card Against Humanity. I love my twenty-something friends. They keep me young…and up on pop culture. And I'm sure after a few more lessons I will indeed understand what Twitter is. Really a typical day in the life. Clearly Forrest Gump was talking about my life when he gave that box-a-chocolates speech.

But what I pride myself in is having fun wherever I am. Would I have rather slept in this morning than explain to a nun how Sister Zoe taught me to remember the twelve apostles by using the word baptism as a mnemonic in the second grade? Sure. But the friend I helped also drove me to the airport at 6 in the morning over the summer. And we had a ton of laughs. And I have a stunning new hair bow with an owl motif. 

The radio show? There's not a thing in the world that I would rather be doing on any day of the year than performing. I once played Gloria Upson in a production of Auntie Mame with a 102 fever! The flippin' show must go on pal.

As far as Cards Against Humanity goes: "If you can't handle (black card) Moses gargling Jesus' balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes. (white card), then you better stay away from (black card) Cards Against Humanity. (white Card)"

Good Night Everybody. And thanks for all the birthday gifts, the gift of your friendship, and all the well wishes.


Michelle Tomko

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A Word on Manners from the Mafia

I'm in The Living Room at the Borgata in Atlantic City after checking out of my room this morning. I was here for my birthday. Well it's my birthday tomorrow. But being the low roller I am I don't get free rooms on Friday and Saturday. Anyway most people don't give much thought to the name of the property. But Borgata according to the Oxford Dictionary is "An organized branch of the Mafia." But don't worry you are safe here. If you forgot to pack your own "shiv" from home but are lucky enough to be a high roller today is your lucky day. Because it's free steak knife day! What a great combination. Give each and every person who is drinking, smoking and gambling eight knives to carry around. That's good planning! It's like when you go to ballgame and they confiscate your umbrella on FREE MINI-BAT DAY. What they should give you is a gas card and a roll of quarters to get home on the parkway after you lose your shirt.

A couple things happened during my stay that got me to thinking about manners. The first one was when I was getting on the elevator after hitting the pool on the spa level. This terribly entitled woman got partially off the elevator, blocked the door from closing and said "This is the wrong set of elevators. What do I do now." Not "Excuse me." Not "Can you help me please." Not "May I have a minute of your time?" She just talked to me like I was her butler. WTF?

The second was a cashier who literally didn't say one word to me during our transaction. Not one word even though it is customary or maybe even compulsory to say  aloud the amount I was cashing in. All she did the whole time was bitch to the cashier next to her in a second language. Some people should just not be front of house. It's that attitude that makes it hard for the layperson to empathize with the fiscal problems of those in the casino industry.

Come on people. We are living in a society here. Decades ago people were strolling the boardwalk in suits with ladies with white gloves on their hands. Show some respect!

Balance was restored however when I was back on the 37th floor this morning after my final swim. A senior man was coming at me down the hall wheeling his suitcase and little cooler. He said "Good Morning." to me while keeping his eyes down so not to look at me in my bathing suit and sheer wrap. I ran into what felt like the last gentleman in Atlantic City right before I left town. Or does this bathing suit just make me look fat?

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Je Suis Charlie

First let me admit that I had never heard of Charlie Hebdo before yesterday. The only thing I know how to say in French (aside from now knowing what je suis means) is "Je m'appelle Michelle." So putting a "Je Suis Charlie" on my Facebook banner is a bit pretentious. However this event has caused me to take pause and rededicate myself to answering the "calling", as the late Joan Rivers referred to it as, of being a comedian. I have been under attack for what I have said on stage. I am just lucky that to date my detractors were armed with judgment and hidden agenda rather than AK-47s and misguided religious beliefs.

As I research what my forefathers had to say on the subject of free speech I quickly realized that I could fill this blog space with my favorite quotes on the subject. The jury is still out on how long a blog should be. I have read that longer posts garner better SEO or "Search engine optimization" (or in English - Google hits). But there is also research that states that the average surfer only reads 20%-28% of a given post. So short and sweet may be the way to go. #ADHD

At any rate I have decided to dedicate this post to the words of people smarter than me. I urge you to pick your favorites, find others out in the ether or maybe even in a real book made of paper and stuff, and post them on your social media pages if you too are outraged by the massacre of a dozen big, bad, anarchist, and dangerous CARTOONISTS. And if you want a "I am Charlie" Facebook banner you can do a Google image search. Go for it. 

“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
”A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.” - Ben Franklin

”If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the 
slaughter.” - George Washington 

“A man has a property in his opinions and the free communication of them.”  - 
James Madison

“You will never be alone with a poet in your pocket.” - John Adams

"There, I guess King George will be able to read that." - John Hancock

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to
hear.” - George Orwell

“Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear." - Harry S. Truman

“Because if you don't stand up for the stuff you don't like, when they come for the stuff you do like, you've already lost.”  - Neil Gaiman, Author

“Hypocrites get offended by the truth.” - Jess C. Scott, Author

“Genuine bravery for a writer.... It is about calmly speaking the truth when everyone else is silenced, when the truth cannot be expressed. It is about speaking out with a different voice, risking the wrath of the state and offending everyone, for the sake of the truth, and the writer’s conscience.” Murong Xuecun, pen name of writer Hao Qun

“The moment you say that any idea system is sacred, whether it’s a religious belief system or a secular ideology, the moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible." - Salmon Rushdie

"The ink of a scholar is more sacred than the blood of a martyr." - the Prophet Mohammed 

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Lost and Found

I am been working with some very wise women. Actually they would prefer I say that I have summoned in some very illuminating Gurus. And I am very grateful.

But sometimes the universe just wants to hit you over the head with stuff. Today was one of those days. It started out as a normal day. Remember my wacky women's group I told ya about on Monday? Well as I said my day started out as it now normally does. One of those women was taking me out to lunch with her husband when an arbitrary text came through from another one that said "It's happening. you're on fire, taking action, the energies have shifted I can feel it. BELIEVE." Yep. No lie. That's the kind of positive people that are in my life right now. Crazy? Probably. But better than the gossiping soccer moms that could be filling my inbox.

Anyway, on my way to my car, after a lovely lunch with two handsome fellows and my pal, I found on the pristine snow, with nothing else around it, a metallic green dove. A stray ornament from a stricken Christmas tree? Maybe. Did my Guru feel it was a gift from the universe telling me I am on the right path? Hell yeah. I'm on the right path.

Later while trying to decide whether I should prepare for my phone interview later that day with a business contact or play a little poker to clear my mind before said interview I find on the ground a mala bracelet. Don't know what a mala bracelet is? Ala Wikipedia:

A Japa mala or mala (Sanskrit:माला; mālā, meaning garland[1]) (Tib. threngwa[2]) is a set of beads commonly used by Hindus and Buddhists. Malas are used for keeping count while reciting, chanting, or mentally repeating a mantra or the name or names of a deity. This practice is known in Sanskrit as japa. Malas are typically made with 18, 27, 54 or 108 beads.

I took it to mean play some cards. Up $23 baby! Hey to a fat chick that's a free tour of the dollar menu someplace.

And then finally as I was sneaking in the lobby of a hotel that has a great pink chandelier and free WIFI I pick out a pink chair that is just calling me from a powerful Feng Shui position in the room and what is in the crease of the cushion? A bright pink key card. Take that security guard. # Rent-a-cop.

I'm on the right path.

So for all you smarty pants that rely on the cryptic dreams of one-legged chickens and Jim Morrison making out with Al Gore, check out what the universe puts in front of us simpletons.

Good night and good luck.

P.S. Eventually the girl with the comp room showed up and checked us in. So I am off to bed with a beautiful city view, an authorized key card, new jewelry and a green partridge in a beer tree. Sign sign everywhere a sign…

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Blog Author

Michelle Tomko's comedy is a fervent blend of tomboy sensibilities courtesy of the older brothers she grew up with in the Midwest and the barrage of perimenopausal chaos the East Coast world has heaped upon her. She pulls her humor from everyday observations and classic stories of family, travel, pets, and adversity. With razor-sharp crowd work and improvisational skills to the rock-solid timing of a veteran performer, Michelle’s act is not to be missed!

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