Phone: 609-287-6559

Email: michelletomko@hotmail.com

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Upcoming Events:

7/29 - Broadway Comedy Club NY, NY 10p.m.

 

To Free or Not to Free?

So I went to the movies the other night. How are these places staying open? We were literally the only couple in the theatre. So even though we paid six dollars for a coke and 8 beans for popcorn, this industry can't be doing that well. 

I'm questioning why I went at all. Although the notion of a 12-foot-tall Paddington Bear did excite me. I'm not gonna lie. And I mean it feels good to be all cinematic and old fashioned. But I can hop on any divice and watch it for free on youtubonfire.com.

That's weird in this day and age isn't it? To pay $11.00 for something you can get for free, at home, in your underwear. Why would you do that? It's like washing your hands with bottled water in a pay toilet and leaving a dollar on the sink when you leave. What's the value?

I did mention it was six dollars for the Coke right? When did that happen? I thought the price list in the concession stand was in Euros or something. If you are charging that for coke it better have cocaine in it!

Let me let you in on a little secret. It goes down like this because we agree to it. Every time you pay $20 to park somewhere, $16 for a martini, or $200 for plastic designer sunglasses you tell those vendors that it's okay. Is it okay? If you are willing to bleed your team colors tomorrow in the big game tomorrow is that enough of a sacrifice? Or do you still gotta fork over eight clams for a hot dog too? Hey Patriots. How about you deflate the prices of a soft pretzel along with the balls?

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Pupsicles

Bring your dogs in people. PLEASE! now that's enough. It's cold outside. Arnold Schwarzenegger Is not sleeping outside tonight without a shirt. So I don't care how tough your short-haired mastiff or Pitt bull is. Bring them in! 

Now I know that anybody reading the blog of a middle-aged comedian on a Friday night is not leaving their dogs out in this weather. But I implore you to say something to folks who do. Start the movement people. 

And if you are a smart dog reading this, bite the next owner who leaves his dog out. Thanks.

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Oh a Tough Guy Eh?

I'm sitting here at the poker table and guys are talking about athletes. Everyone thinks that football players are so tough. Me, I like hockey players. They are tough pups.

I mean a football player gets hurt and "Oh. Ouch. T.V. Time out." The game stops for ten minutes. Give me a hockey player any time. One of them gets hurt and they open up the actual field and slide him right out! Bam!

Or how about soccer players. They don't even stop the clock. "You're hurt? Screw you. Play with ten. Put your big girl shin guards on and play the game." I love it. Also those rugby players. They are playing football. But wearing nothing but gay boy muscle shirts for equipment. That takes guts. Plus they hug a lot. You gotta respect a guy who hugs in a muscle shirt in front of his whole country. Charlie Crist killed his career hugging Obama just the one time. Catch up America. And put your muscle shirts on. 

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The Wind Made Me Do It.

I've been having a lot of fun with the anti-climactic storm we were threatened with here in South Jersey. But what we should really take away from this is how really funny it is that we have no control over anything. Look at all the expensive technology we have predicting the weather. But no matter how hard we try to plan, we are literally at the mercy of how the wind blows. Impermanence is a very Buddhist thought. The weatherman has very impermanent accuracy. After all it's called Acu-weather not accurate weather.

It's a pretty cushy job too. Right? You hang out drinking coffee in the news studio and then you get your big moment pointing in the wrong direction in front of the blue screen. "Whoops! Nebraska isn't on the East Coast." You have a big laugh and send it back to the people who actually can read a Teleprompter. You also get a cool middle name like Hurricane or Tornado. Now that's a living.

But the best part of the greatest jobs in the world is that you can mess up and still have a job. Tony Romo can botch a snap and cost his team the super bowl in 2006. Then sign a $67.5 million contract in 2007. I mean meteorologists can just say "Ooops. The wind blew. My bad.", have their prediction be 75 miles off and try agin tomorrow. Your drawer is off at Target by $2 and you're in the cheese line. 

So what did we learn today? Whenever you mess up summon your inner weatherman. Or bang a super model like Tony Romo. Either way own your power and feel better. Let's start the movement.

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A Snowmaggedon Haiku

Yo Snowmaggedon!
Sprint phones have more coverage.
Juno, I know - lies.

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Blog Author

Michelle Tomko's comedy is a fervent blend of tomboy sensibilities courtesy of the older brothers she grew up with in the Midwest and the barrage of perimenopausal chaos the East Coast world has heaped upon her. She pulls her humor from everyday observations and classic stories of family, travel, pets, and adversity. With razor-sharp crowd work and improvisational skills to the rock-solid timing of a veteran performer, Michelle’s act is not to be missed!

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