Phone: 609-287-6559

Email: michelletomko@hotmail.com

facebook blue    twitter blueinsta blue

Upcoming Events:

7/29 - Broadway Comedy Club NY, NY 10p.m.

 

On My Way To Broadway...Via Gloucester City.

I remember going to see Nancy Cartright speak when I was at Ohio University because I was the biggestSimpsons fan ever. The only thing I remember her sayng is how important it was to her success that she had a mentor. Her's was Daws Butler. Yogi freakin' Bear was her mentor. Can you imagine? You are 19 years old, working part time at a radio station, a Warner Bros. rep comes in and gives you Yogi's number, you call him and he says "Sure Boo Boo. I'll be your mentor and give you 4 hour voice lessons every Sunday." Well he may not have said exactly that. He was Quick Draw McGraw too. 

But the point I'm trying to make is that I am still looking for mine. I'm a bit over 19. And I'm getting worried. But I do have plenty of people who encourage me, suppot me, and come to my gigs. But where the hell is my mentor? Is there a bat signal I can put out or something? Did he go to the wrong house? Is someone in Ohio who was destined to be an accountant under the strong tutelage of Kathy Griffin right now and stealing my life? 

I do have a comic buddy who has been around the block and has taken a shine to me. He told me that "Whenever he is the booker on a gig, I am going to be his midddle person." Great. He books Vitales Italian Restaurant in Gloucester City, New Jersey. That's a bit of a drive to Warner Bros. But it's good for the folks in Gloucester City who get to see me before mymentor finds the right house. Which will probably right after tax season.

I hope to see you all on Friday Night at 9:00p.m. The comics are funny and the calamari is crispy. What more do you wantfor Gloucester City?

http://www.vitalesitalianbistro.com/
https://www.facebook.com/events/1519964091624344/

942 9th St, Gloucester City, NJ 08030  (856) 456-5660

Add a comment

I Got Trapped.

I hung out at The Crab Trap tonight. For those of you that don't know it, it's an institution in Somers Point New Jersey. The age of the place is only exceeded by that of its customers. The Crab Trap is known for attracting the elder statesmen of the area. Hell the early bird dinner starts at 3:00p.m. I'm usually just finishing up lunch. They refer to the meals as Twilight Dinners. Twilight? At three? I'm pretty sure we are outdoing Florida with this one.

But boy did I get a lesson on energy. There was a silver-hared lady who was on that dance floor from the moment the music started. You see on Wednesday nights there is live music. People come to dance. Really dance too. No grinding. Well okay. I kind of grinded. But in my defense the seventy-year-old that dragged me out on the floor had been a runner for thirty years and was hot to trot. I still got it. Oh yeah.

But seriously. It was nice to be in a place where everyone was friendly, where men were asking women to dance, and you could leave your purse on your chair and have it be there when you returned. It's the little things people. Tonight good company, $3 Shock Top and some Barry White made me feel young again. So did being the only person in the room without an AARP card.

Add a comment

Mistake Gate

By now, unless you live under a bridge, you have heard that the Patriots won the Super Bowl. Even if you do live under a bridge you probably overheard on a sports talk station from a car radio passing by that they did. Because it is all anyone is talking about. Well that's not true. Some aren't saying that. Some say that the Seahawks lost the game instead.

Of course I am referring to Pete Carroll's questionable call to pass from the one yard line instead of giving the ball to the best running back in the game - Marshawn Lynch. The Seahawks opted to try to hit Ricardo Lockette with a short pass at the top of the end zone and take the lead leaving only seconds left on the clock. But the best laid plans of hawks and men didn't factor in the will of undrafted rookie Malcolm Butler. "Because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know." - Donald Rumsfeld

But here is what I find interesting. If Lockette had caught that ball for the touchdown and the defense had held New England we would be calling Pete Carroll a tactical genius. Right up there with Paul Brown himself (Hey, I'm from Cleveland.) I mean you got to admit it. NOBODY saw that pass coming. That fills probably the number one criteria for a successful trick play no? But it wasn't properly executed and left the Seahawks, well, deflated.

It doesn't seem fair to me. But sometimes the difference between right decisions and wrong ones all comes down to the consequences. I can tell a crappy joke and pepper in a couple dozen F-bombs and have them rolling in the aisles. Does that mean I had a great set? What makes a great set? Or a great anything for that matter? The integrity of it? Or the fact that it works? 

Conversely isn't a wonderful performer one that thinks outside the box fail or not? Or is it only the one that can bring in 120 million at the box office opening weekend serving up the same crap as the last guy? 

These are all good questions to ponder. I know Pete Carroll will be thinking about them for the rest of his life. Hey Budweiser. At least give him a Real Men of Genius commercial.

Add a comment

This is Crazy. But Here's My Number. So Call Me!

Is this how we are doing this now? Really? I missed out on subbing at a gig tonight readers. You know why? Because I wasn't on Facebook an hour before the show when the private message came through. Not only that, but this is the second booker and the second time this has happened.

Now I have a website with my phone number right at the top. I have a cell phone. I have handed out a thousand business cards that have that telephone number on it. I have a phone with me at all times. Is it proper protocol to give people job offers on Facebook now? Isn't that a little unprofessional? Or have I just been using it for the wrong things? Because I thought Facebook Messenger was to troll for people at 1:00a.m., cyber-bully and send Rotten eCards to people from High School whose birthday you only remember because you see it in the news feed. I didn't know that because it exists I no longer have to take the time to punch a number into my phone contacts. Am I wrong? Help me youngsters.

I'm old people. I still carry around stamps in my purse for Christ's sake. Do I look like someone who has their Facebook notifications on all the time? Having that open kills your battery you young whippersnappers. 

What's worse is that women's group I told you all about in http://www.michelletomko.com/blog/women-water-circle. I'm in it to get empowered and achieve my dreams. The only time I was away from my computer today is when I went to attend this meeting! What the hell Universe? Now why would that happen? Clearly The Secret is a huge fan of irony. After tonight I am not.  http://www.michelletomko.com/blog/ebony-and-irony

Add a comment

Cheaters Never Win...Well, We'll See.

Happy February. Happy Super Bowl. Hell, Happy Puppy Bowl everybody! I hope it is a great one. But it may be a grey one as scandal still looms overhead about Deflate Gate. Seriouslyif your team is becomining the team to hate like the Cowboys or the Yankees then you got problems.

I tend to believe all the NFL players who say Tom Brady HAD to know what was going on. I know if I am an equipment manager I'm not doing shit unless told to by a coach or player. And why if you were innocent would you not present some crazy OJ-esque alternative theory of the crime? "If the air pump doesn't fit, you must aquit."

It stinks too. Because I really like the Patriots. They work well as a team. Plus I for one was excited to see a perfect season in my life time. WOW. I mean that is hard to do. So best of luck to the players and coaches who didn't cheat. And let's see if Karma can catch up with any pretty boy or under-dressed coach who may or may not have cheated.  It would be neat to see back to back Super Bowl wins too!

Add a comment

Blog Author

Michelle Tomko's comedy is a fervent blend of tomboy sensibilities courtesy of the older brothers she grew up with in the Midwest and the barrage of perimenopausal chaos the East Coast world has heaped upon her. She pulls her humor from everyday observations and classic stories of family, travel, pets, and adversity. With razor-sharp crowd work and improvisational skills to the rock-solid timing of a veteran performer, Michelle’s act is not to be missed!

Please publish modules in offcanvas position.