Phone: 609-287-6559

Email: michelletomko@hotmail.com

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7/29 - Broadway Comedy Club NY, NY 10p.m.

 

The Centrum Silver Screen

So I'm watching Three Days to Kill with Kevin Costner. He just beat the hell out of a guy half his age and twice his size. He somehow has the leverage to stab him through what looks like a steel-toed boot even though 'ol Kev is laid out on the ground. He also managed to wake at the last second on a train platform from a comatose state brought on by an experimental drug supplied to him from a CIA agent to punch a menacing albino (half his age) and switch spots with him so the bad guy gets struck by the train instead. Plausible? No. Predictable? Unfortunately in today's action films - yes. But there was obviously some action sequence that made me think "Hmmm? How old is Dances with Wolves these days? So I googled him - 59.

And good for him. He looks great. He is believable. Fine. But I also wondered where are his female contemporaries on the silver screen? Because I haven't seen Debra Winger or Connie Sellecca dropkick anybody in a while. His co-star Amber Heard is 28 by the way. But what does she care? She's engaged to Johnny Depp age 51. Or at least she is trying to marry him if she can sober him up for church any time soon.

Look I know I am not scooping this story. And I know based on my followers at the moment that I am preaching to the choir. But WTF? Why is it different for men? Why will Sean Connery get the girl until the end of time and Lynda Carter gets a Lens Express commercial? And she was flipping Wonder Woman for Christ's Sake! Listen up Hollywood. I wanna see Susan Sarandon bangin' Zack Efron real quick. And I am not taking no for an answer.

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson,

Michelle Tomko

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Women, Water, Circle

"Ya know women, water, circle." This was a joke between my friend Christine, who was a graduate student when I was working on my BFA at Kent State University. It referred to whatever experimental, bohemian, feminists production of the semester that the theatre department was producing in their black box theatre in an effort to cast the overabundance of chubby female acting students after all the skinny actresses and the men were cast in the Chekhov play on the main stage. It usually consisted of a chorus of women appearing in pink an amber light in muslin toga-esque costumes wailing about Marie Antoinette, Mary Magdaline, or Sally Ride (And in some more abortive works, even all three!). "What's this one about?" asked Christine. "Ya know women, water, circle." I would say. In what I though was a brave move at the time I put big signs on the doors to the auditorium for people to see before they entered to see my senior project that said Caution: This production contains overweight women. Retrospectively speaking I suppose I should have spelled women with a "Y". #overkill

I remember that as a college senior I had no idea how to make a sign like that on a computer. The only time I even used a computer was at the library to print 5 copies of scenes for my playwriting class because I couldn't afford Kinkos. I went over to my friend Wayne's and he did it for me. Men own printers. Women are from Venus. I briefly laid down my sword in the battle of the sexes. Thanks Wayne. Look at me now - the administrator to my own website!

Fast forward to tonight. I did what I have been doing every Monday night for the past three years. I attended private woman's group I'm in called WE. WE stands for Women Evolving. We encourage each other, laugh at mild sex jokes, take dance breaks (yes, dance breaks) and work on a topic of the day. Today it was abundance. And for all you new-agers out there we even touched upon Feng Shui. Who new having the wrong color lamp could fuck with your abundance? Screw you Pier 1 Imports!

So what has me thinking about these two scenarios tonight? I guess tonight even though I was in a "Women, water, circle" situation at my meeting. I chose to be there. It wasn't crammed down my throat like in college. Choice has a lot to do with happiness. So tonight I chose to be abundant. Plus the free tea and cookies. I definitely go to these meetings for the free tea. Have you seen what Starbucks charges for that swill?

Good night and good lady luck.

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Starbucks or Fivebucks?

I think Starbucks should change its name to Fivebucks. Then at least you know what you are getting. Either that or Come-on-in-our-coffee-tastes-burnt. But I don't think that rolls off the tongue as easily.

I went to Fivebucks today to meet with my new web designer. Of course I felt obliged to do it. I bought a $5 cup of coffee. And that was only for a medium! And the names are so pretentious. Venti Latte? I ordered a Chai Tea once and the Barrista (don't get me started) said "Do you want a dirty Chai?" "Um…what?" Apparently a dirty Chai has a shot of espresso in it. Now call me old fashioned. But I think that if you can order the same thing at a Starbucks that you can order at a Vietnamese whore house we have gone a bit too far with our coffee menus. Wouldn't you say?

Give me a dusty corner of a library any day. I prefer the smell of old books to the aroma of desperate grad students and nutmeg. I don't like like the whole vibe of Starbucks or any other coffee shop for that matter. I mean they are full of those entitled Farfegnugen hippies who are all sitting around talking about what is wrong with the world, sipping on $5 cups o' joe, wearing $2 ripped jeans they got at a thrift store. I usually walk up to them and say "Excuse me. I know what's wrong with this world. Your coffee costs more than your pants! Suck my dirty Chai douche-bag."

But I digress. So what do we think of this website? Should I keep the wood? Is comedy spa working for ya? Pretty much every other comedian site has stars, a microphone, or the ever popular iconic brick wall. I'm trying to think of something different. Thoughts?

Thank you for reading. Good night and good buck.

Michelle Tomko

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Head Up in the iCloud.

Well great news! Yesterday after my blog post I got a Twitter follower from Los Angeles. So it's official. From coast to coast nobody knows what the hell Pinterest is! At least we are all banning together. But enough social media for now. Today in an effort to become more computer savvy I took a class at my local Apple Store on the magical, the mystical, hell even the ethereal - The Cloud. Did you know that you can take free live (in the store/3rd dimension) classes at any Apple Store? I'm not sure Steve Jobs knew about it or not. But yes you can get something free from a company who prides itself on charging at least four times more for products than its competitors. But darn it they are so addictingly adorable in their angelic and virgin-like white boxes. Not since Tiffany's has a company made so much money from packaging. An Apple a day keeps early retirement away.

So what is the cloud? Does anyone know? Does it really exist? Well best guess is it is a big file cabinet in the sky that you can send all your cute kitten photos, recipes and anything else that you would normally want to put on Pinterest to. And it just sits there until you need it, or the end of days arrives, or North Korea steals it. It also enables you to link all your overpriced Apple Products together. This way if you snap a photo on you ipad of your dog eating an ice cream cone you can bore people to death with it on your iPhone too. You get to put stuff up in the clouds for free too. Up to five gigs of crap. This comic wishes she had five gigs. Anyway I would define a gigabyte in highly technical terms of "a really really really really lot".

So it happened. I am up in the cloud. Linked. My iPad, iPhone, and MacBook Pro have all the same bad jokes on them. Or at least that was the plan. However after two plus hours at the Apple Store in Atlantic City my bad jokes are still right where I typed them. Arrrrgh%&^%@)&@*^%!$#%?!!

And that is why any normal person has the uncontrollable urge to chuck whatever device they are currently clicking on and chuck it out the window after they have set it on fire! Where is the "command IMPLODE" button on this thing?

If there is one thing I hate about computers it is the phrase "Just point and click." Oh yeah. Just point and click. Like as soon as you point and click you will be magically transported to this utopian society where you fulfill your hopes and dreams while Oompa Loompas feed you candy and L.L. Bean provides you coupon codes and free returns. Well don't buy it folks. I have had many successes online. But they have never been a click away. They usually involve several keystrokes, an online chat, and a few calls to customer service. The Cloud was no different.

Here is what it says on the iCloud website: iCloud connects you and your Apple devices in amazing ways. It makes sure you always have the latest versions of your most important things — like documents, apps, notes, and contacts — on whatever device you are using. It lets you easily share photos, calendars, locations, and more with friends and family. It even helps you find your device if you lose it. And iCloud does it all automatically. Just like that. Just like that? Just like that? Arrrgh@$#%(*&^/?! How dare you iCloud? What they mean by "just like that" is if all your devices are compatible with the latest IOS software, if you allow access through your key chain (whatever that is), if the planets are aligned, and if Steve Jobs left a special codicil to his will stating that you specifically can use it. Ug. Although my head is often up in the clouds, the material on my three Apple devices sadly are not.

And here is the kicker folks. After all this the instructor recommended to use an external hard drive for back up because the Cloud is not perfect. No shit.

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I'd Like to Pin Your Twitter.

So we meet again in cyber space dear readers (all three of you). Who knew there was such interest in the life of a late-blooming comedian. I hope I will not disappoint you all with my daily entries about recent emails to agents, networking with other comics, gigs, and constant battles with technology, especially social networking. Although I appreciate all the postage our new way of communicating saves me. I also think that the confusing world out in the ether will put me in an early grave in this one.

Having become what I consider an expert on Facebook. And let me clarify what I mean by that is I can log in, check-in, upload a photo and block all my stalkers (and I do have them) all without my $2000 computer beeping at me, graying out a tab I want to click on, or literally blowing up as being an expert beyond my wildest dreams. I have now set my cybersights on other, newer, better, hipper, websites that...well...basically do the same thing as Facebook.

I am now on twitter. Actually I joined in like 2011. But I now sort of know what it is. Am I correct that it is Facebook but with shorter posts to favor those less witty and to prevent rappers from swearing beyond 140 characters? I see you can also put photos on there. I also notice its theme color is blue. So last question "If Facebook does all this why do I need Twitter?" #redundant oh and #michelle@MichelleRTomko (michelletomko was taken). Screw you tacayo from Missouri. I'm trying to build a brand here!

(For those of you that don't know TOCAYOS is Spanish slang for people who have the same name. See you can learn something reading a comic's blog. I'm not going to lie. I also used this word because one of my three fans is Puerto Rican. #shoutout.)

Now onto Pinterest. Best guess is this is Facebook for people who can't read right? You just throw random photos up there? A squirrel, a cupcake, a DIY project you will never do, a Halloween costume, dogs wearing sunglasses these are all possibilities. I will give Pinterest on thing. This sounds like a ADD person's wet dream! It's literally throwing cybershit at the virtual wall and it all sticks. #attentionspa...

My best guess for LinkedIn is that they are running a Facebook with absolutely no cat pictures allowed. You make professional connections. But how do you know who to Link In with? Well you go to your Facebook contacts of course. Think of it being like if all your Facebook friends smoked and you brought them to a snotty, upscale, cyber, smoke-free Starbucks where they had to leave all their photos of kids and Rotten eCards at home. That's LinkedIn. #pretentious

So what have we learned today people? We learned that there are a myriad of social media portholes that do the same thing as Facebook only cooler for the moment. And we learned that most words in Spanish sound like a dish that you could purchase from a taco truck in el barrio. Good night and good tweeting. I'm starving.

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Blog Author

Michelle Tomko's comedy is a fervent blend of tomboy sensibilities courtesy of the older brothers she grew up with in the Midwest and the barrage of perimenopausal chaos the East Coast world has heaped upon her. She pulls her humor from everyday observations and classic stories of family, travel, pets, and adversity. With razor-sharp crowd work and improvisational skills to the rock-solid timing of a veteran performer, Michelle’s act is not to be missed!

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