I had a great gig at Stockton College's Kramer Hall last month. Or should I say Stockton University? Congrats to the local college out here that just obtained university status as the Board of Trustees voted on Feb. 18, 2015 to change Stockton’s official designation and name from college to university. I guess I should have gotten more money.
But after the show my friend came up to me and said. "You are not fat enough to do all those fat jokes." Now I was wearing a dark dress and the lighting was a bit shadowy. She probably was also distracted by my perfectly straightened hair and well-blended makeup courtesy of local stylist Barbara Maskos. But still. Not fat enough? Has their been a shift? Did Governor Christie actually accomplish something being in the public eye all this time?
How fat is too fat anyway? I mean we go after a starlet, if they venture out of the size zero category. Or now that I think about it if they go into an "A"cup category. So I guess it cuts both ways. But Ruben Studdard? Go ahead daddy and get as big as you want you little cutie. We even go after women when their being in the public eye has nothing to do with their bodies like poor 'ol Hillary Clinton. Don't her politics? Well have you seen the size of her calfs?
But back to me. Should I have considered "not fat enough" as a compliment? Or a warning? Have we all gotten so huge that I am now a medium? The best part of everything is that being called called fat goes in one ear and right out the other. But question my material? Well then we got problems.
Thanks Barbara-ya skinny bitch.
Oh and here are the jokes in question: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0Lw4RrS-Ho
BLOG FIFTY! YIPPEE!!! I have been blogging consecutively since January 1st.
Accountability = 1
Michelle's ADD = 0
Anyway...
I was unsuccessful at getting anyone I asked to do me a favor today. That's life. I get that. What bugs me about this situation is that it seems almost daily that I get a call to help out someone. I seem to be the first person that gets called due to the "flex time" that I am on right now. My motto has always been "If I don't have a scheduled activity, even if I would not enjoy it, I'm in."
But I am hearing other opinions from those in my life when they are faced with the same dilemma. I hear things like "It's too far away.", "That is out of my comfort zone.", or even, I can't even believe this, an out an out "No". WHAT? Literally every Catholic-guilted ancestor of mine just rolled over in their holier-than-thou graves. You can just say "no"? Can this be? Are you allowed? Could Sister Mary Ann have been wrong? Holy crap!
I was always taught that you go to things you are invited to even if you don't want to. You are not going to weddings, funerals, and birthday parties for you. You are going to support your loved ones. Is Catholic guilt all just a sham? Do you really only have to do the things you want to do?
My women's group says a resounding "YES". The opinion of the group is that you should only act if it is in your pleasure to do so. I don't know. I mean if this is true then there are going to be some lightly-attended funerals and christenings, an increase in actual BANK loans and nobody, I MEAN NOBODY is going to be able to get a ride to the airport! Can the world handle this type of society?
I remember years ago seeing John Lennon and Yoko Ono talking about their concept of "total communication" in the 60's. Basically it's sitting in a big bag. Therefore you can't be judged by skin color, gender, hair style, clothes, or age. It came to be known as Bagism. I like it. By the way I wasn't born yet when they did it. I saw it on a documentary. Just wanna be clear. Because here in the real world we do get judged by our age. And I am not a fine wine. So...
Anyway I think about these two peace pilgrims every time I am on the radio. It really is total communication. You just talk. There are no costumes, or makeup, or sets. It is just you, thinking fast, over the airwaves. Your only enemy is dead air. It is magical. And it is great not to be judged by anything physical. Have you seen the people in radio? Sheesh. I surprised some of us don't short the microphones out. The medium levels the playing field. I mean there is even a place for Ryan Seacrest! There is a place for everyone.
I'm excited to have been asked to become a contributor on The Marc Berman Show on WOND. I am also excited to be heading out to do the Lesbereal show on G-town radio in Germantown tomorrow night. I am ready to start my radio career universe! Because I believe in total communication, I believe in a having a way to promote my gigs and website, and I believe in getting free coffee from the studios when I arrive. Yes John. Yes Yoko. Let's totally communicate!
http://www.bermanlive.com/
http://www.lesberealradio.com/
For all the times you got yelled at, had the buck passed to you, got passed over for the promotion or turned down for the raise, the winter months will occasionally exact revenge for you in the form the snow day. Designed to keep everyone safe in the wee- morning hours, the snow day is probably the most misused safety protocol in our culture. Because what people actually use the snow day for is to run errands, stock up at the grocery store, go to the movies and hit the mall. People are probably in their cars more on snow days than if the actually went to work.
I love what businesses close and what ones stay open. We close all schools and universities. They are the first to go. But all fast food and liquor stores keep regular hours. Don't risk your safety for your education, but a Big Mac and some Wild Turkey, now those we are willing to gamble on. God forbid we play a board game with our families sober and put on a pot of soup. That's just crazy!
How about the people of Boston who think it is a good idea to dive into the snow? Well it is creative. And they are off the roads. But as I write about all these wacky ideas. If they get hurt it, all it is is natural selection. Don't call the ambulance if they impale themselves on a solar light they forgot to bring in either. The roads are too bad.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2015/02/17/mayor-urges-knucklehead-bostonians-not-to-jump-out-of-windows-and-into-the-snow
I guess this winter I am officially old. How do I know? Because I am freezing. I have never been cold before. I have childhood memories of my mother bundling me up like Randy in A Christmas Story and being totally miserable - and hot. But not today. I just could not get warm.
I was always way underdressed for cold weather. My favorite? The ski vest and the sweater. Sometimes even a vest and a long-sleeve T-shirt. I gotta move my arms baby. Later in life I ended up with big boobs. Therefore my torso in a ski vest makes me look like Violet from Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.Which does make my arms look thin though, so silver lining.
But now forget it. I'm in anything sheepskin. I am deliberately layering. I am even wearing a scarf now. I hate scarves. I must have been hung in a past life. Because I cannot stand anything around my neck. I also don't trust anything that has an arbitrary "V" in it when you pluralize it. WTF? Perhaps it is my elevated energy and knowledge of the power behind the throat chakra, but I am accessorizing the hell out of this winter.
I can't wait for the hot flashes to start. I gotta get warm! Or else just move to Florida and pretend it is not hot along with the rest of the geezers.
