Guy walks into a bar with a sandwich. He says "Two pints please. One for me and one for the sandwich." Bartender replies "Sorry man. We don't serve food here."
What in the hell is America's obsession with going out to eat and getting a sandwich? I don't understand. The reason I go out to eat is because I don't feel like staying at home and making a sandwich. When I go out to lunch, and I get to choose the restaurant, I'm picking an ethnic place and getting something I don't know how to make. I've got bread and mayo at home. What I don't have is an 800° tandoori oven, or sushi grade tuna, or those cute little baby corn on the cobs. You know the ones.
But you hear people all the time talking about "Oh my god. That place is so good. They make the best sandwiches in town! It's so delicious." What the hell is the big mystery? How about the delis themselves? "Best subs in town." Every block another storefront says "Best this or that in town." Do you know why they can say that? Because they all taste the freaking same! The only thing that makes a good sandwich good and a bad one bad is how fresh the bread is. And the delis don't even make the bread!
And they need to quit giving pretentious names to the things too. You don't go into a Chinese restaurant and order a Bruce Lee or an Indian restaurant and order a Slumdog Millionaire do you? So knock it off Deli Lamas with the Woody Allens and the Jerry Seinfeld's. Because...
It's bread people, bread, with shit straight out of the refrigerator stuffed between it! And the side dish is chips! Right out of the bag. You are paying restaurant premiums to go out and eat cold food with a side of food right out of the bag. Ahh. Ahhhhh! (Imagine if you will the late Sam Kinison screaming those preceding lines. Trust me. That is what the author intended.)