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I'm reading The Comedy Bible by the venerable comedian Judy Carter. She wrote it in 2001. We already covered that I am a procrastinator on January 11th (http://www.michelletomko.com/blog/ive-been-trying-to-figure-out-a-title-for-this-blog-all-day). So I get it. But better late than pregnant I always say. And I say it louder today after having dinner with my new 13-year-old friend. Boy do you have to watch what you say! I bet lawyers prepare their defendants by having them dine with 13-year-olds. I would be more at ease on trial in Salem. Talk about a tough room. Also apparently "Ask me why again. Go ahead. I dare you", is not an acceptable response according to her mother. Whatever. God I love my dogs.

Anyway on page 55 there is this great idea called the Commitment Contract. Carter wants you to write in the book, every nun that ever taught me is spinning in their graves. Yes write in the book the completion of the following line "I commit to doing comedy until..."

Here is the genius of it. It works for anything too. You can swap out comedy for losing weight, getting an education, avenging your father's death, etc. But if you answer like I did "I commit to doing comedy until I keel over onstage and head for my dirt nap." Then the idea is nothing can stand in your way! I have already written the ending of the story. Not getting an agent, the Browns quarterback troubles, snake bites, writer's block, none of these things will prevent me from doing comedy until death do us part. And even then I want a bumper sticker on my coffin that says "I'd rather be breathing."

So sure this is a way for you to be held accountable for something. Sure it is hokey. And sure it was a way for Judy Carter to get your personal information to try and solicit you for her comedy workshops when you sent in the form. But I like it. I sent mine in. Although hotmail refused to believe info@comedyworkshopS.com is a valid email address, Maildaemon and I know the level of my commitment. 

Do you have something you want to commit to but you never had the middle-aged, late-blooming comedian to commit to? Well look no further. Go ahead. Fill out the form and mail it to michelletomko@hotmail.com. You can stay anonymous. I'm not selling anything. Yet. 

When I didn't hear her correctly my mother would say "Get the potatoes out of your ears." So did the nuns. Well those within earshot of Idaho Republican Rep. Vito Barbieri must have thought they had potatoes in their ears when they heard him ask a doctor if a patient could swallow a small camera to give more information to her doctor about her pregnancy the way doctors can investigate colon cancer with these little gadgets. Not since Dan Quale (also a Republican) spelled the spud wrong for all the world to see has the right looked so silly. Stay away from the spuds gentleman. That goes double for you Christie. Sub the broccoli. 

Dr. Julie Madsen calmly replied with her "fancy doctor talk" explaining to him that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina! "Fascinating", said Vito. 

Now of course as a comedian. I find this very funny. And thank baby Jesus for giving me this little nugget as material. If only this mouth breather wasn't MAKING REPRODUCTIVE LAW IN IDAHO! AND he also sits on a pregnancy crisis center board! Now look. I don't ask vegans to cook my burgers. I don't have my mechanic clean my teeth. I don't ask my dog to be my designated driver. So I sure as hell would not let an abortion bill be voted on by a Republican who doesn't know where a vagina is! I don't even know who to pray harder for tonight between unwed Idahoan mothers or Vito Barbieri's wife. I wonder when she had his children if he thought the placenta was some undigested pizza or something. Yeah that's how vaginas work back woods Republicans. The vagina bone's connected to the tandoori oven bone, the tandoori oven bone is connected to the 60 cents on the dollar bone...

Idiots. The bill was approved 13-4. The billed, if passed through the senate will ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing drugs through telemedicine. Between the lines  the bill would result in fewer abortions due to women in rural areas not being able to get to a clinic. Which clearly is how Vito got here in the first place.

I know people are upset about Joan Rivers being snubbed at last night's In Memoriam segment at the Oscars. I myself officially gave up on the awards show in 2009 when The Hurt Locker won for best picture - the same year as The Hangover was released. It was then and there that one could realize that comedies, although beloved, are just not ever going to win a best picture. And why?

Like it or not The Hangover was without a doubt the most original, the most talked about, and oh yeah, the sixth largest grossing domestic film in 2009. The Hurtlocker is actually the lowest grossing film to win Best Picture to date. It didn't even make the top 100! Not that I am saying that bottom line should be a factor in deciding the artistic merit of a project. But I will go on record as saying that a best picture should at least be able to edge out Paul Blart: Mall Cop (A comedy I know. But come on.) and Hannah Montana The Movie. Which in 2009 was not the case.

Now every year there is some controversy about the Oscars. We know academy members fail to vote. Others vote although they have not seen all the movies in a given category. Somebody gives a crazy political speech. Whatever. But one thing that Hollywood knows how to do is honor the stars. It may not be fair. it may not be right. But that is how it is done. Nobody knows the name of the Key Grip from Avatar. Ask anyone who has ever attended the Oscar's Sci-Tech Awards.

So how does Joan Rivers, staple of the red carpet, get left out of the party like Camille Cosby in Bill's sex life. She even got edged out by Universal Marketing Exec Nadia Bronson. You have to ask yourself. If casting director Pennie DuPont was casting for In Memoriam; The Movie, would she have included herself like the academy did this year or gone with Joan? All I know is nobody threw an Oscar party last night to honor a marketing director. But I guess she was good at her job. Because she made the cut.

Now Joan Rivers was never nominated for an Academy Award. But she was synonymous with Oscar night since she began hosting the E! red-carpet special in 1995. And she was in several movies. Okay so most notably Spaceballs and The Muppets Take Manhattan. But they both grossed more domestically than The Hurt Locker. Nuff Said.

I performed at a great cocktail party last night. One of the reasons it was so wonderful was the fact that both of the hosts understand a basic human truth that few people really understand. You have to play well with the other children. Of course another reason the gig was so super was they had pineapple-chicken skewers. Food? Yes. Food on a stick? HELL YES.

When you really think about it. The most successful people are the ones who surround themselves with the best support system. Butch had his Sundance. Okay bad example. That didn't end well. Bush had his architect. Okay. That didn't turn out too well for the American people. But you get what I mean. 

The entertainment industry even uses it as a formula for a successful show. Look at Jerry Seinfeld's show. It's called an orbit show. This is where the guy with his name on the door get orbited around by other crazy characters who raise the entertainment value of the show. It is a hit. Because there is something for everyone. Some people like Elaine. Some people like Kramer. But the show is called Seinfeld. Get it?

Well my two friends who made the chicken skewers do. They connect people. They root for people. They want people to do well around them. Because then they in turn do well. They share. They do all the things that our moms tried to tech us in the sandbox. I'm lucky they share their pale with me. 

I had older bother's growing up. I remember them asking if I wanted to play 52 Pick Up. When I said yes, they scattered a deck of cards around the room and told me it was my turn and I had to pick them up. This was my first lesson in how cruel a game of cards can be. I have had probably thousands of painful lessons since then. No I didn't fall for 52 Pick Up again. But I do play poker. 

If you know a poker player, unless they are what we call in the industry "Crazy Asian Luckbox", then you have heard umpteen of these bad beat stories. I have lost with full houses. I have lost with aces (most recently to a drunk at Borgata in cut-off shorts who was dealt 10-2 off-suit. My favorite of these stories is once when a Crazy Asian Luckbox could only beat me if the last card was the King of Diamonds. It came out. But that is not the worst of it. The dealer exposed this card before all players had the chance to bet. By rule the card had to be taken off the board and reshuffled in the deck. You guessed it. After shuffling the card came out again! A 46-1 proposition. He did it twice! Miraculous! That is flipping a coin 50 times and it being heads 46 out of 50. TWICE! So much for twelve years of Catholic School. Apparently, the Buddha is correct.

So why do I keep going back for more? Because like Ann Frank so many years ago when she said "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." I still believe that the odds will even out and I will be rewarded for playing tight, not being greedy, being a student of the game, staying relatively sober when I play and yes, being really good at heart. But until then, as with the rest of my unconventional life, I am going to wait for aces, wince and push all in!

A note on the slightly racist term Crazy Asain Luckbox. Don't worry. They know! In fact one CAL in Atlantic City goes by the name Crazy Asian. I don't even know his real name if I wanted to use it! Namasté.