Oh my god! What a horrible day. I got up with a bit of brain fog, made some coffee, and made my St. Paddy's Day plans. Oh yes. It is Paddy not Patty. As we all learned on the Marc Berman Show on WOND 1400 this past Saturday: http://paddynotpatty.com/. What happens next has plagued women since the beginning of time. I got the dreaded period migraine. Or what I like to call PROOF THAT GOD IS A MAN.
What kind of system is this maker of the universe? Not only do women have to squeeze out puppies a few times in their life. But they also need to bleed from their private parts for forty freaking years too. Couldn't you have put some kind of switch up there or something?
Let's imagine men having to bleed from their penises once a month shall we. Yeah right. Have you seen one of them get a paper cut? The world would come to a screeching halt, emergency rooms would be filled and the Catholic Church would make it a sacrament.
Oh well. I'm not Irish anyway. Plus there is always next year. Here in Atlantic City there is even tomorrow. Our world famous Irish Pub has a giant celebration tomorrow called BAG DAY. Google it. I'll be there transmitting fun with THE MARC BERMAN SHOW at 1:00p.m. And I had half the experience of the holiday today anyway. I did throw up. Plus look at all the money I saved on beer.
Thank you for joining me for my 75th blog entry. I have a question for you. What is the obsession with redefining our iconic villains? What do you think? Is it just a quest from unoriginal writers scrapping for the next Wicked? Or have our ideas of right and wrong become ambiguous because of shows like the Sopranosor Orange is the New Black?
All I know is that we had a musical that made a ton of money exploring the lighter, animal-loving side of THE FLIPPIN' WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST. Then Disney got in the act with Maleficent. Today I watched Dracula Untold. In it good ol' Vlad the Impaler only drank the cursed blood of the damned because he was trying to be a good dad. Wow!
It's nothing new. I remember being a little kid and watching Escape from Alcatraz and wondering why we were rooting for the prisoners to escape. But if we keep going the way we are, we may actually haveSpringtime for Hitler. Much to Mel Brook's chagrin. In fact I know we will if it will make a ton of money. Look. There are five Twilights and counting.
I went to church this morning like a good little girl. Sorry mom. It was Unitarian. At any rate I was rewarded. My girlfriend said one of my favorite sentences in the English language afterwards. "I have made BLT's do you want one?" Um, yeah!
She is trying to eat healthy. Plus I regurgitate all the vegan, Non-GMO, native-plant, cruelty-free, free-trade laden sermons from the Unitarian church and she takes them to heart. Well some of them. She can't let go of the bacon just yet. Who can? If only it tasted like broccoli. But she did buy the above "mayo" for our sandwiches. Lunch was delicious.
But here is what got my bacon. Be honest. If you saw this logo on the shelf what would you think is in the jar? I'm a cook. So I know that "just mayonnaise" would be defined as oil, eggs, vinegar and salt. But this jar contains egg-free sandwich spread made from yellow peas. EVEN THOUGH THE LOGO HAS A FLIPPIN' EGG ON IT!
That to me is really shady. I expect more from the little guys too. You know just because American advertising is full of morally ambivalent spin doctors, it doesn't make it right when lefties do it to their tofu treats. Apparently Hellmann's agrees and their parent company is suing them. Rarely do I take the side of big business. But this time I do. Because we can't let the logos you see on the shelf be about as honest as the photos you see on an online dating site. You can read about the pending suit here:
http://www.adweek.com/news/advertising-branding/unilever-claims-organic-startup-just-mayo-not-really-mayo-lawsuit-161361
But not everybody feels the same way. Celebrity chef Andrew Zimmern started a petition in defense of Hampton, the maker of Just Mayo and has gotten more than 16,000 signatures. What was the sermon about today you ask? The minister said this a lot: Never underestimate the capacity of the liberal heart to bleed for the wrong object. Not about mayo. But still.
I have to admit it. I have done it too. When I was a freshman at Ohio University (Harvard on the Hocking if you didn't know) I was very proud of myself after going to the Greek store and getting a sweatshirt with Pi Rho on it. But I was just a child. A victim of punny humor. I have since evolved.
Fast forward to the Facebook age. Today is the one day of the year that everyone thinks they are witty enough to make math jokes. Actually March is a crazy time of year. Everyone pretends to like math, everyone pretends to be Irish, and nobody has any idea what the weather is going to do. So just sit back and come over to the nerd side - because they serve π. Enjoy some π ala mode or eat some humble π. Just don't step in any cow πs. Wacka Wacka. Knock it off. Get back to your dub step cat videos where you belong.
It's also Albert Einstein's birthday. I wonder if he used to celebrate it with his relatives. Wacka Wacka.
I just finished another pet-sitting gig. This one was down on the farm. Cons? I made a lot of hens really agitated and the Labradors hogged the bed. Pros? They had a dry sauna and a fire place.
This is an extra business of mine. I have really found a niche market. As my customers have told me anybody who loves animals as much as I do is usually a pet hoarder who has their own brood to take care of and can't do overnights. But thanks to a bitter divorce, I only visit my pets now. So I am free and clear to move right in to someone else's house and eat their food, watch their Netflix, use their WiFi, play with their animals (who I don't have to pay vet bills for), and if I'm lucky use their dry saunas.
Just an aside. Dr. Oz says that saunas are super healthy. It must be true. I Googled it. Supposedly they make your heart rate increase thus burning calories just sitting there. Suffice to say I crushed candy in there all week. You also sweat out all these toxins and it is good for your sinuses. Plus, I could here the Ted Talks from the Roku in the living room from the sauna. Perfect.
That's the one down side to getting paid to watch Netflix. The damn Recently Watched category. I was out in Tuckerton last summer and decided to binge watch both seasons of Orange is the New Black. I hadn't seen it at all. Then I realized I didn't want my client to think all I did was sit around and watch soft porn all day. Thank god I could pepper in some documentaries and comedy specials. Whew. Have you seen Blackfish by the way? It is really good. Screw you Seaworld.
Michelle Tomko - Voted Number #1 Pet Sitter - By Some Codependent Labs!
